We all see so many gems of advice for keeping your marriage fresh and alive – dress up, role play, romantic dinners and/or getaways, making time for each other. Uh huh. I don’t know about you, but I’m too exhausted or frankly don’t have the time for that these days. It always feels like lately most of the advice has been coming from these 20-30 something celebrities who don’t have to worry about money or kids just a hectic lifestyle. They seem to suggest that somehow timing is our problem. Seriously? I don’t know about most of you, but I have to deal with a heck of a lot more than conflicting high-powered work schedules that don’t mesh. Most of us don’t have the luxury of having all the money to do what we want, but just lack the time.
If you’re young and recently married without kids, and having problems keeping the romance alive, you’re in trouble. Always check the source of marriage advice. Has the person been married for more than like 5 minutes? Have they had to go through anything traumatic together? Hey, it’s easy to be romantic when you have all the time in the world and the going’s good. It’s the “for worse” part of “for better or for worse” that most people fall apart on. So, to take my own advice, here are my qualifications. I am not a marriage or sex therapist. I have been with my husband for over 21 years; we have been married for 17. We have three children, all on the autism spectrum, ages 10, 9 and 7. I have had two serious back injuries, with surgeries, and spent several months in a brace, wheelchair, walker and cane. I had a near death experience bringing our first daughter into the world, nearly 3 months early. She spent 2 months in the Neo Natal Intensive Care unit, born at a whopping 2 pounds, 7 ounces. Our other children were also born early, but didn’t spend quite that much time in intensive care. (Yeah, I wasn’t great at being pregnant!) We have been comfortably well off, and have been dirt poor. And we are still happy, still in love and thank goodness, still have sex on a regular basis.
I used to think that the old adage about sex after marriage being obsolete was a joke. Yet I talk to some of my girlfriends who tell me that they only have sex with their husband once or twice a month. Are you out of your mind? Sex is the best anti-depressant there is, even better than chocolate, and that’s saying something.
Look, I get it. Does any of this sound like you? I don’t have the figure I used to have. I work like crazy, as a writer and locations manager for film and TV, I’m a volunteer for Girl and Boy Scouts, PTA, I attempt to be a short order cook, have a reasonably clean house I’m not embarrassed to have people over in, and keep up with my kids’ schedules, which are busier than mine. They have ice skating, piano, scout meetings, catechism for church, ballet, tutoring, homework and a plethora of therapists that come to the house to work with them 6 days a week, because all three of them are on the autism spectrum – while fitting time for my husband and marriage in there somewhere! This is a week where nothing special happens. I get exhausted even thinking about it. I debate whether to try and straighten up the house quickly or take a nap when I can grab a second to myself, and the nap generally wins. My husband, Andy, and I have been together for long time and we still make time for each other, and we still have a sex life.
Why? Because we make it a priority.
So, I figured to give you moms out there that are like me a few realistic tips that I’ve discovered worked for us over the last 20 years or so.
- There is no “later.” Sex is either yes or no. When you tell your husband “later” constantly, and it never actually happens, you are going to make him feel unwanted and eventually resentful. But you need to make sure that there are yeses in there, somewhere.
- No, you don’t need to be superwoman in the bedroom. As my husband puts it, men are just happy if we’re naked. Seriously. And yes, my figure is no longer that size 5 I was in college. I’ve had 3 C-sections and a number of surgeries that made me feel like a roadmap. I’m not saying it’s okay to just let yourself go – being healthy and fit are important to your well-being and self-image, not to mention keeping up with your busy schedule. And if anything does happen to you, it will be easier for you to recover. Let’s face it; most women turn down sex because we’re feeling bad about ourselves and decidedly un-sexy.
- Sometimes you take what you’re given. We are not the only parents to make a mad dash for the bedroom because “Blue’s Clues” came on and we have approximately 22 minutes to make the best of. You take what you can get and work your way up. And sometimes, you plan a romantic night after the kids have gone to bed and you can lock your bedroom door, bathroom door. Heck, any door that locks in your house, for that matter, that the kids can’t pick the lock on.
- Romance isn’t a place. If you don’t bring it with you, you aren’t going to find it in some hotel somewhere. However, you can take it with you. If you’re lucky and you have grandparents that will take the kids overnight, more power to ya. You don’t even have to go anywhere. That being said, having the ability to go to a hotel once in a while is nice, too. It gets you out of all the stresses that linger in your house. It’s kind of hard to feel sexy in the kitchen when you’re looking at the dirty dishes or other chores you have to do. And if you want to have your role-playing or fantasies there, it’s easier to do.
- Most importantly. Keep romancing each other. Telling your husband you love him and think he’s still sexy, too, is important. He gets insecure, too. We still hold hands. We text, we talk. And we sometimes even work together. And I think that’s a bigger hurdle, actually. It’s easier to miss your hubby if he’s gone. But when you’ve been working with him all day and are cranky about something totally unrelated to your marriage, it can be difficult to let that go. There are times when we fight. Who doesn’t? I’m half Latina and half Irish. My husband is half Russian. We would die if we couldn’t argue.
And yes, when you do have an argument, fight fair. You don’t have to take something back you never said. You can think it all you want, but you won’t hurt your spouse if you don’t say it. And most women have an eidetic memory when it comes to arguing. I can remember stuff from 20 years ago like it was yesterday, sometimes. Then again, I forgot where I put my purse on the dining room table, and I’ve torn apart the house looking for the sunglasses perched on the top of my head.
Remember why you married each other in the first place. The big things are something every couple plans to be able to overcome – but it’s the little things you need to learn to not sweat that can interfere with closeness. Those are the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I know, easier said than done, when he’s driving you crazy by leaving tortilla crumbs on the couch. Or he’s ready to go ballistic because you squeeze the tube of toothpaste in the middle.
And above all else, have some fun.
Best,
Melissa & Andy Areffi
